And So It Is

 

I find myself in San Jose - or rather, Not In Mexico. Trying to parse out everything right now, and keep tripping into Concrete Blonde territory:

The little conversations
If I tried my very best
You know I never could say anything
In twenty words or less.

Or now, in the age of twitter, 140 characters or less. Same diff. So I'm writing it out here, not on Facebook.

I spent a little time going back to last year's blog posts, back when I was on sabbatical in Mexico, first with The Student (and a visit from The Teacher), and then with The Kid. The Plan^(TM) was to figure out what it'd be like to be in Mexico City for a year, and then to take the kid there this academic year.

And yeah - in the intervening year, the plan changed. Work granted me permission to telecommute - my job can be done anywhere I can get a dialtone and WiFi - but given the uncertain state of the economy and the realization that among my friends and family, I might even have a bit of an obligation to stay employed - oh, and having an underwater mortgage, too - it just seemed to be more practical, more pragmatic to stay in the US.

I turned 40 while in Mexico last summer. My mom died in October, followed shortly thereafter by one of her brothers. My dad's retired and needed to plot his next steps. Going to Mexico for a year didn't seem prudent, but staying in Portland didn't feel right, either. I needed time and space to discern where I'm to be, what I'm to do with this crazy life. And (deep sigh) the kid was starting to struggle at school, some from boredom, some from frustration at being the geeky one, the nerdy one, the one who was just looking at the world from an utterly different perspective. Something needed to change there, even if it was just getting him out of the environment for a year to breathe and allow tensions to die down and perspectives to mellow and mature. Even had we stayed in Portland, some change would've been needed, at least for awhile.

There's a thousand different opinions among friends and family about us spending a year (the current Plan^TM, at least) in California. They range from excited and enthusiastic to ... well, sorta hostile. There's probably merit lurking in each and every one of them, but the opinions are also owned by those who hold 'em, y'know? For my part, I'm giving myself 'til September 10 to unpack, get settled, get the kid settled in school, get back from a work conference in Georgia... and then I'm going to head back to the retreat center where I spent eight days in silence several years ago, sorting out what it meant to be going back into the Catholic Church. It'll just be a day trip for now, but I'm hoping to set up a regular practice of time there over this year. This upcoming year is to be one of discernment - under spiritual direction, with very focused time for prayer, writing, and just being and enjoying life.

There's so very little that I know right now, and so very much up in the air. I'm comfortable with where The Kid will be in school, and for his part, he's having a blast on this excellent adventure. We're talking about a goal of going to one cultural event per week, starting with the Chivas Guadalajara vs. Barcelona futbol (soccer) match this weekend up in SF. If The Student finds he has to go to Chile for a bit to check out some archives there, The Kid is sooooo down with making that trip - so I'm saving points and miles and such in hopes of pulling it off. Today he asked if we might be able to go to Mexico for a year sometime later. I couldn't answer - not without breaking down.

Current POR ("plan of record") is to return to Portland in 361 days - that's when the lease in our condo here expires. Truth be told, I have no idea what happens next. I'd give Portland about 33.3% of a shot, San Jose another 33.3% - and for the remaining third - Mexico? Oakland? Something Completely Different?

I do know that I enjoyed a happy little time of denial while The Student was preparing to leave for his research year. Seeing the photos he's posted from Mexico and talking with him - so bittersweet, because my longing to be in Mexico City right now is visceral. I had the opportunity in my hand, and ... fear? uncertainty? being too comfortable, too afraid of losing my job? - held me back. So now the task at hand is to be present here in San Jose and see what I'm to learn from this time here. It will be good - but first I have to be able to let go of What Is Not. Only then can I really experience What Is To Be.

Concrete Blonde's been on the mental ipod, but even more so, the Goo Goo Dolls "Two Days in February" - an achingly poignant song about missed love - except I'm singing it not to one individual, but to the biggest city in the world.

You said that this is crazy, you're a half a world away
Well I'm sitting and I'm thinking but I didn't know what to say
So I said something I can't touch, I always want way too much
Anyway

'Cause everything's wrong
Well it's all right
Everything's wrong
Well it's all right


And it is all right. I'm happy, loving the sun, excited about all of the new stuff we're learning and doing each day. It just wasn't what I'd planned. But it's all right.